One Hour

One hour, 60 minutes, 3,600 seconds.

Nathan Foster, of Renovare and The Making of an Ordinary Saint, was confused by the act of "submission" and so, decided to study it. He asked his 9yo daughter and 5yo son, if they could have an afternoon with him, what would they want to do?
He asked himself, can I truly turn myself "off" and do what my kids want to do for a certain amount of time, within a reasonable budget? Like, NOT check his phone, double up on errands that serve him too, add in a treat that would ease his submission-ing discomfort, etc.
He did it. It was hard. (His afternoon involved a trip to Chuck E Cheese, among other things. Bless...)

So I thought, what about an hour???

Could I do an hour with each child, ONLY what they wanted, within a budget?
I asked all three of them if they could have an hour with me, what would they want to do? Then I asked them to think about it for a day.

Corinne wanted to go first. I set a timer on my phone and Henry and Svea pulled up a chair to watch.
Corinne wanted me to get IN the pool with her and not only STAY in the pool but PLAY at whatever she said.
Henry was delighted and grabbed my phone to take pictures. Mom was going to PLAY! Svea got in the pool with us.
The only time I got out of the pool was to make her some orange juice (it was past 10am so she had already had a Fanta).

Henry eventually got in too, and Corinne forgot that she was only allowed to be in charge of what she and I did, not what Henry and Svea were doing. Her siblings may or may not have mentioned that "she was trying to boss everyone in the world like Donald Trump." Ha.

Svea had pity on me and checked the timer several times as I engaged in jump-off-the-pool-wall-dance-routines, bounced, splashed and swam back and forth in the shallow end.
The hour ended. I survived. It was hard. (There was no Chuck E Cheese even mentioned.)



Svea was next.
She wanted me and her to go to Hobby Lobby and buy materials to create something! With styrofoam heads! And paint! And feather boas! All for under $20!
So we did. We listened to the radio and sang loudly (maybe with hand motions) with the windows down.
The hour ended. I survived. It was hard. (Wouldn't you know that Chuck E Cheese is next door to Hobby Lobby??)



I had to lie down on the couch for a few minutes before Henry's turn.

Then we went to another store to hunt out Superhero items (costumes, posters, accessories, sheets, cups - there are no rules, people.)

In under $20, we found two posters for his room, a blank poster, 3 canvas boards, paint and brushes. The superhero hour was full. There was no radio played in the car and we used the air conditioner. Quiet and cool, y'all. Room for all his thoughts...
The hour ended. I survived. It was hard. (There are no superheroes at Chuck E Cheese.)



I was disappointed how hard it was for me to focus that long on one child. I'm surprised at how quickly I wanted to check my messages or double up an errand (since we are right here by Whole Foods, let's just run in and grab some essential oils, eh?)

I want to work on this, though. I don't want it to be so intentional and hard. WHAT IF I naturally spent time with them, individually and together?  Is that what you call parenting?
I'll keep working on it. Promise, guys.

Sitting In The Weird, With Brene Brown's Cool-aid, Re-Inventing Every Year.

A friend who recently became a parent asked me some questions the other day:

As Christmas approaches, we are having discussions about what to do about Santa. 
I don't love the idea of him. Though, I do love the idea of St. Nicholas. I don't want to squelch magic and imagination in my kid, and I don't want him to feel left out. I also don't ever want to lie to him and hate the idea of good=presents, bad=nothing. There's also the whole point of privilege of Santa and children whom he doesn't visit because they are poor...what do you do in order to help yourselves think through this process. Care to share?



So I wrote her back:

I am writing you right now.

And I am distracted by how long it took me to reply to this as I have thought of it every day and felt Not Ready. I am in the grips of "doing it all wrong" so to have you ask me specifics feels particularly vulnerable and on point. I do not enjoy the hype of Christmas as much as I do not enjoy Halloween.

For the first years with Henry and Svea I could blame it on living in Indiana since we traveled during the holidays and "reindeer food" and "Christmas Morning" just looked different. Then we joined a church and Christmas looked like "why is Daddy never home". Ouch. Then I started enjoying the Advent preparation and Xmas Eve services which meant negotiating with tired children and just throwing the towel in at the end of the night, hoping to stay up long enough to tell Brian I was proud of him.

This year, I have no idea what it will look like.

My Henry (11yo) loves Target. He loves shopping. He is methodical and meticulous. When he walks into Target, he is overcome with the smell of newness. This is how we taught him about Greed. Greed is how you feel when you enter Target and want to live there.

At this point, today, I am trying to teach Henry how to personify Christmas (as Santa, St. Nicholas, Etc.). I want him to be SO EXCITED about Jesus' birth that he wants to buy gifts for OTHER PEOPLE. Which is totally scandalous for a greedy 11yo. He will tell me I am so weird and to please not walk next to him and why am I wearing black pants that are normal.

Svea, my 10yo, has made presents for everyone and wrapped them while singing lullabies into the process and does not understand the concept of greed. She's using her artwork from school as gifts and recycling materials for wrapping paper...and hoping for more time watching tweeny shows on Disney Channel.

Corinne, 5yo, thinks Christmas is about performing with microphones and costumes and altars and stages and why is everyone NOT looking at her?????

(do you see why I struggle with "doing it all wrong"?)

All I have to say to you, dear friend, is that I have no idea. I re-invent every year based on sleep deprivation, nutrition, anger, love, tradition, what I need to "get over" personally and what I need to ask those around me to "get over." 

In the meantime - I want you to hear this - YOU CAN DO THIS AND ONLY YOU KNOW HOW.

Is this ever so unhelpful?

And she wrote me back:

I appreciate your taking the time to answer me, though, despite your feelings of doing it all wrong and embracing your vulnerability. I appreciate your vulnerability more than you know. Maybe I've drunk too much of the Brene Brown cool-aid, but I continue to believe it is the only way we can truly CONNECT to one another.

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.” - So says Brene. I think I agree.

I do not enjoy Christmas. Hence, my crisis of not wanting to influence my son with such feelings unnecessarily. (Though, I'm aware he is too young for that this year. He is merely content to play with an empty water jug, look at himself in the mirror, and make ridiculous pterodactyl noises). I do not enjoy obligatory gift giving (though, I love giving gifts when I am not expected to do so). I do not enjoy pressure of getting everyone together because WE JUST HAVE TO (though, I do enjoy stress free quality time with those I hold dear and even those I don't yet).

In my own vulnerability, I think my questions about Christmas stem from larger questions of purpose and meaning that are brought on from many different facets of this phase of life. I found this article about why Krista Tippett is not doing Christmas this year and it was helpful.

So, in the meantime while I sit in the weird, I find the prospect of bread baking and potential pottery classes grounding.

Peace, love, and advent blessings (or something).

I read the Krista Tippett article and love her final paragraph:

As I said, we need each other. And that impulse, surely, is deep in the original heart even of the most secular things like Santa Claus and surrounding your home with lights: examining what we are to each other and experiencing that, sometimes when we do this, something transcendent happens.

For now, for today, I will "examine what we are to each other" and stay present with that...and believe that something transcendent will happen...in the form of clarity and connection and the crazy story of a baby in a manger...

For Halloween, I Will Be A Statue.

For Halloween 2015, I will be a statue.
Because I am paralyzed at the thought, notion, energy required and my absolute dread of candy and trick or treating.

So I read this about the child slaves in Africa harvesting the cocoa beans for my kids' cheap chocolate fetish this Halloween weekend.

I bought fair trade chocolate last year from Equal Exchange and no one ate it. At my house or our neighborhood Halloween gathering. I ended up donating it to a preschool. But no child slaves involved! And maybe fewer cavities!

Then I saw this safe chocolate list and read more about chocolate and slavery here.

At Keeperofthehome.org, I learned that:

If all of us together seek out fair-trade alternatives for our chocolate we are telling the chocolate industry that we will not tolerate the exploitation of children to produce cheap, abundant chocolate. We are voting with our dollars.

I love voting. Sometimes I have dollars. I want to do this.
I checked out some more resources about labor rights here and some slave free chocolate here and alternatives to consuming and passing out chocolate and candies here (for dentists!) and over here (for the troops!) and over here (for the allergies - love you, Evelyn!)
Overall, I feel frozen, paralyzed...like a statue.
And I feel like a coward. So I am escaping to the woods this Halloween to figure things out...like how to have "less of a negative impact" on the world, which is different than "trying to have a more positive impact" on the world. 
But I will work on both.

I still believe in chocolate and eating it.
If folks want to trick-or-treat, PLEASE DO.
I am not judging, I am struggling...and want YOU involved in my struggle.

I have just a few dollars and I want to vote well: Statue Style.

Happy-ish Halloween, y'all!

Summer 2015...

...is OVER!!

Some of us in this house start school tomorrow.

In reflection, I am looking at some pictures and remembering some memories (which is always a little bit dangerous).
2015 will not be the year I win any parenting awards, yet I aspire.

For now,

Lessons Learned Summer 2015:

1. Don't cut your friend's hair and give her bangs when she comes over for a playdate.



2. Use eyes and ears before mouth.



3. When you see cash money in a drawer at somebody else's house, don't think to yourself, "Hey! Free money! I should take that."



4. Hormones are weird.



5. Do not begin any sentence with, "But..."



6. When tattling on a sibling or friend, you cannot use the words "always" or "never."



7. Humans over screens. Always always always.



8. Art is every.where.all.the.time.

Thank you Summer 2015 for so  many spoken and unspoken lessons!

Balance is in Motion

A friend asked me recently how my yoga practice was going.

I told her, "Slowly."

She asked me to explain.

Before I could self edit, I said, "I think I was searching so hard for Balance through my yoga, that I lost all my Peace."

I was so glad I had not edited because I didn't know that about myself. Ha.

That interaction set me back about 6 months. 

Then I was inspired by Glennon's "Sacred Scared" series over here.

I was not as familiar with Jen Hatmaker at the time (now I am!!) but was moved by her statement:

I love my family; my children are a gift and this time is short. I so want to be a good mom and good wife and good disciple and good leader, and balance is a lie and I can’t find it even if it is true, and it makes me so afraid.

IKR?!?!? The "balance is a lie" part I found especially free-ing.

So now I am most comfortable with the image of balance being in motion, perhaps swinging a short or long spectrum, depending on the day.
  

Balance would not be holding hands at equal heights, the good and bad equalling each other. 

The space in the closet matching the dirty laundry pile, the goods and services needs matching the funds in the bank account, the sacrifices matching the gifts in marriage, the mostly-brown bananas making great bread.

Balance would be moving, swinging, knowing the hard swings back to good and that movement is what we seek, what we grasp at, what we live.

I am grateful for that motion today.  

Quotes Can Save Your Life Sometimes

After I became a parent, I started searching for quotes and advice to help get me through a discouraging night or an endless morning.

Eventually, I made some friends who were also parents and over the years we have continued to collect quotes and advice.

I used to print out quotes like these and cut them into strips for new mommies to pull out while nursing or rocking or pumping - a quick little ditty to encourage them through the tough moments...and maybe even squeeze in a laugh or two:

“Children are apt to live up to what you believe of them.” Lady Bird Johnson

It’s okay to not feel 100% excited about parenthood and all of its joys.

 “… worse than just about anything else is the agonizing issue of how on earth anyone can bring a child into this world knowing full well that he or she is eventually going to have to go through seventh and eight grades.” Operating Instructions, Anne Lamott, p. 10

“People search and search for the meaning of life until they hold a baby – then they know it.” Christina Talleda

Parenting is hard enough without an audience. Try not to judge.

“As you conduct your life, be serene and joyful, content and at peace. This will be your greatest legacy. Nothing nurtures a child like a parent who takes great pleasure from a simple activity and is content with the present moment.”

The Parents’ Tao Te Ching, William Martin

“Having a baby is like suddenly getting the world’s worst roommate: like having Janis Joplin with a bad hangover and PMS come to stay with you.” Anne Lamott

“… my personal belief is that thin smooth thighs do not necessarily speak of a rich inner life.”

Operating Instructions, Anne Lamott, p. 240

 “I’m learning to call people all the time and ask for help, which is about the hardest things I can think of doing. I’m always suggesting that other people do it, but it really is awful at first.” Operating Instructions Anne Lamott, p. 97

 “I watch Sam be a baby and crawl backwards, and it’s such an alien concept because it seems so natural to think that all the action is forward. Actually, backwards is just as rich as forward if you can appreciate the circle instead of the direction.” Operating Instructions Anne Lamott, p. 163-64

 “I’ve documented everything – each tooth, your first haircut, your first bath in the sink. Later when you claim neglect, I’ve proof of my side for your husband or your shrink.”  Tender Hooks, “Say Cheese” Beth Ann Fennelly

“Everything is temporary. This means that it's important to pay attention to the sweet moments because they are so very fleeting. It also means that you shouldn't get too focused on the hard stuff (middle of the night feedings, kids whose favorite word is "no") because by time you figure out how to handle them, they're onto some new challenge for you!”

– Jessica, mother of 2

“Everything happens for a reason. You may not understand or like the reason, but it is a reason. Be practical. Use the resources available to you: friends, family, co-workers, and enemies. Someone has been through what you are going through and they have survived. ”

– Beth, mother of 2

“Make a promise with your husband to forgive each other for what is said in the middle of the night.” – Erin, mother of 2

“Becoming a mother doesn't cancel out all the other things you are. Don't lose yourself in this new identity. Maintain your "me time," your marriage, your faith, and your friendships. You will need all four to survive motherhood.” – Beth, mother of 2

 “Believe that your husband can wash, change, and feed the baby with the same amount of love, precaution and tenderness as you. Let him do it. Everybody wins."

  

Be aware that sleep deprivation can affect your perspective on everything.

Remember that taking care of yourself is also a gift to your child, both in the present and for the future. Be the woman you'd want your daughter to be or the woman you'd want your son to marry.” – Marisa, mother of 2

Your children and spouse cannot read your mind.

"Be confident that your instincts about what is best for you and your babies is the right thing to do. While you always want to try to be a better parent, don't second guess yourself too much and do not compare yourself to other mothers. Parenting books have all have great ideas, and a million of them, but ultimately, but no one else knows your situation better than yourself, and you will be a better mother if you can do it confidently.” – Barbara, mother of 2

YOU are unique. Your CHILDREN are unique. Your problems are not.

So those are some of the helpful quotes.

We are in a new phase now and our play dates have changed, our worries and concerns have shifted. 

We mostly sleep through the night and only recently, wipe our own bums.

These are the new quotes that have been helpful to us:

  

Air and light are like spiritual antibiotics.

Anne Lamott

Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It is a covenant between equals.

Father Gregory Boyle, Tattoos on the Heart

Imaging God can be so different from wishful thinking.

Anne Lamott

The exchange zone [in relay races]is the transformation zone. It is where I show up, ready and willing, for the next baton – the next work of God in me and through me to the world SO THAT my transformation to Christlikeness continues.

Christine Caine

Hope is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul,

That sings the song without the words

And never stops at all.

Emily Dickinson

Let unconquerable gladness dwell.

Quote on FDR’s desk

We try to find a way, then, to hold our fingertips gently to the pulse of God. We watch as our hearts begin to beat as one with the One who delights in our being. Then what do we do? We exhale that same spirit of delight into the world and hope for poetry.

Father Gregory Boyle, Tattoos on the Heart

How many things have to happen to you before something occurs to you?

Robert Frost

I’ve done everything I can today for your church. But it is Your church, and I’m going to bed.

Pope John XXIII

We are not called to be successful, but faithful.

Mother Teresa

Here is what we seek: a compassion that we can stand in awe at what the poor have to carry rather than stand in judgment at how they carry it.

Father Gregory Boyle, Tattoos on the Heart

All things are inventions of holiness – some more rascally than others.

Mary Oliver

Jesus was always too busy being faithful to worry about success. I’m not opposed to success; I just think we should accept it only if it is a by-product of our fidelity. If our primary concern is results, we will choose to work only with those who give us good ones.

Father Gregory Boyle, Tattoos on the Heart

Live your way into a new way of thinking.

Richard Rohr

Jesus doesn’t think the harder thing is the better thing. He just knows it’s the harder thing.

Father Gregory Boyle, Tattoos on the Heart

I slept and dreamt that life was joy.

I awoke and saw that life was service.

I acted and behold, service was joy.

Rabindranath Tagore

Your Summer Guilt Trip

In two weeks, public school begins for many people.

So there is a clear message to parents of children whose summer routines look different from school routines.
Some parents work at home, from the home, outside the home, around the home, for money, for nothing, for peanuts, for hugs, for the neighbor's tomatoes.
Some kids go to school at home, away from home, or sleep away from home.
We are all different.
And at this point in the summer, we parental units need to start feeling a little guilty.



By now, we, us, have stopped responding to, "Mom, watch this!"
We also have become numb to, "Mom, look!!"  Especially while said Mom is driving.

You should feel guilty, you so-called Mom.



You should also feel bad about the fact that when your child(ren) calls out, "Mom?!?!" that your first response - before even knowing the request or compliment - is,
"No!  But thanks for choosing me!"



If you have more than one child in the home at any given moment, whether or not s/he is related to you, if you get irritated at all with the fact that all comments, suggestions, questions must occur simultaneously, then you should seriously feel bad about yourself.



And the space between questions?  The space when the actual answer to the question emerges? Summer proves this space doesn't exist.
If this bothers you at all, you are probably a bad parent.

There is no room between the following questions/comments:
"Where are we going? What are we doing? Why? When? Why is this so boring? I am so bored. This day is already ruined."
Bad parent.



If you have a child over the age of 5 months, then s/he is probably asking you:
"When can I have my own phone? iPad? Kindle? Laptop? Desktop? iPod Touch? iPod? Samsung thing? Kindle Fire? Facebook account?"
"When are we going to get there?"
"Do we have anything to eat?"
"Why is this so boring?"
"Can we go buy something?"

If these questions annoy you at all, again, feel bad about yourself.



Summer is not eternal. Seasons come, cycles continue. This is a phase. Your guilt, exhaustion, fatigue, love and persistence will fade then glow then leave you in the fetal position.

But you can do it.

Only two more weeks until the season changes.

If you are discouraged, come on over to my house with your little ones and we'll squirt them with the hose in the driveway while we feel guilty about our lack of energy.

Seriously, y'all, feel guilty. It'll be okay.

My Wish For You

I truly wish for you the equivalent of the day I have had.

I needed some time to BE so I asked my local farmer J. Darby if I could come out to the farm and:

1. No one talk to me.
2. Be given an Accomplishable Goal with a beginning and an end.
3. That this Accomplishable Goal would have immediate results.


Pretty much I was asking for the opposite of Parenting.
I showed up and J. Darby showed me this:



Which after hours and some sweat and a rake and some ant bites and sore fingers, I turned into this:



Now it is ready for Kyle to plant lettuce!  In the winter!


It was like starting with Svea's room:

And ending with Henry's room:

I was right at home. In many ways. Including the ant bites. Ha.

Seriously though, I so hope that you have equivalent wonderfulness and order and beginnings and ends like I did today.  It does wonders.

Grandparents Breakfast!

Henry and Svea and our friend Mary had a great time with Pops and Mimi at Grandparents Breakfast at  their school!

They all got biscuits in the lunchroom and a book at the book fair. Svea, in addition, got a poster of a puppy.  This is an essential in Svea Land.

Love love love, and thanks thanks thanks!